I Don't Have A Best Friend

‘Best friend'.

I’ve always hated that term. Why? You might ask. Because. Using the term ‘best friend’ requires picking a favorite.

And I hate picking favorites.

From the time I was little, I’ve been taught that picking favorites is bad. Being a church kid, I think the main reason for this comes from learning the story of Jacob and Esau. Their parents picked favorites and it did not end up well for them.

I hate picking favorites.

This hatred has carried through all areas of my life. From picking a favorite color to a favorite movie, to a favorite artist, I hate choosing at all. So, the idea of picking a ‘best friend’ has always seemed so exclusive and undesirable to me.

“How can I pick one best friend? If I pick one, I’m leaving out everyone else!” (A statement from a people pleaser at its finest.)

But as I grow older and experience life more, words and phrases tend to take on new meanings. I realized this summer the fault in the definition that our society gives to the phrase ‘best friend’. Over the course of a few months, I had multiple conversations with my friend Grace about this.

This was our struggle: we had never had a ‘best friend’.We both had the same problem; the persons whom we considered our ‘best friends’ already had best friends.

If you would have asked me in high school who my best friend was, I would have told you “I don’t like to pick, but if I had to, I would say ‘Marysa’.” You see, Marysa and I are one in the same. We laugh with each other without even having to finish the sentence that has caused the outburst of laughter. We frequently say the same thing at the same time, no precursor necessary. We both have the same love for sports and music alike; and while Marysa may find my quirky jokes stupid and annoying, I know she still appreciates me for trying.

But, as I said before, Marysa already had a best friend. And not just any best friend, a best friend she’d had since she was three. (How am I supposed to compete with that?)

So, you can see my dilemma. How could I call someone my best friend who already had an established and undeniable best friend? (I always thought it awkward when the consideration of the title ‘best friend’ was not a mutual agreement.)

It is true what they say about people bonding over a shared struggle. As Grace and I discussed this topic, we talked about, and I started to realize that different people take on different roles in our lives. We may have hundreds of friends, but no two of them play the same role. Every friendship that we have in life is different, not better or less important, just different. Grace now took on the role in my life of ‘philosophical buddy’. And she, in this regard, became my ‘best friend’.

Now I would be doing an injustice if I did not mention my

·      ‘best friend’ that I grew up with since kindergarten. Mary Kate—role of ‘childhood best friend’

And my

·      ‘best friend’ that I made my freshman year of college. Savannah—role of ‘keeping-each-other-straightened-out/making-my-introvert-shy-self-even-more-awkward-in-public best friend’

And my

·      ‘best friend’ that I have who has never lived in the same town or gone to the same school as me. Audrey—role of ‘twin best friend’

All of these friends I have considered to be ‘bests’, but not all for the same reasons.

As I struggled through the concept of ‘best friend’ this summer, I finally had the DTF (Define The Friendship) talk with Marysa and this proved to be an instrumental moment in my philosophy on ‘best friends’.

We were driving in my car one day and somehow this topic came up. Throughout my conversation with Marysa, it began to dawn on me that she too did not believe in the lie that our culture tells us: “you can only have one best friend”. See, Marysa also considered me her ‘best friend’, but not for the same reasons that Macy was her ‘best friend’.

So the truth was out. For twenty years of my life, I had believed the lie that ‘best friend’ was a person.

Now I know that ‘best friend’ is not a person, but rather, a category. (quote credit: Laura Carroll)

How can we expect one person to fulfill the role of ‘best friend’ when one person cannot give us everything that comes from a ‘best friend’?

We can’t.

I submit to you that having one best friend is not only impossible, but also harmful, not only for that friendship, but also for other friendships you may have.

Trying to make one person fulfill the roles that really belong to a countless number of people is just plain unhealthy for everyone.

This concept goes hand in hand with a discussion that my roommates and I have been having this semester. “Do we need people?”

My answer: yes. We need people. “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” People help lead people closer to God. Without other people, our perspective and ideas about God and who he is would be very limited. We are shaped by the people around us. We need each other to get closer to God.

Kristin’s answer: no. She could live her life perfectly fine without Denae and me.

The difference? My definition of the word ‘people’ has to do with community. Kristin’s definition of the word ‘people’ has to do with specific people.

(After some dispute, we finally came to this conclusion and agreed that we were both, in a sense, right.)

In other words, I may not need Grace specifically, but I do need the role of ‘philosophical-buddy best friend’ to be fulfilled in my life. And while God can fulfill that void himself, I believe that one way he does fulfill it is by sending me certain people in life at different times.

I have been blessed this semester with new experiences in living and traveling that have lead me to learn many things about community. Through my study abroad experience, I have made two new best friends.

·      Kristin—role of ‘unknowingly-challenging-me-to-have-discipline-in-my-life best friend’ (also, role of ‘making-me-laugh-every-time-she-randomly-starts-dancing-to-a-song best friend’)

·      Denae—role of ‘sharing-the-love-for-an-inspirational-read-(or-write) best friend’ (also, role of ‘keeping-everything-held-together-in-a-responsible-way-that-reminds-me-of-my-mom best friend’)

As I continue making friends and having new people fulfill new roles in my life, I have come to appreciate the differences that God has created in all of these beautiful people. I may not have A ‘best friend’, but God has placed amazing people in my life, many of whom I now consider ‘best friend’. I would never expect a single one of them to complete the whole category of ‘best friend’, but I know that without every single one of them, my life wouldn’t be the same. In fact, it will never be the same as I continue to come in contact with more people in this world. My life will always be changing as long as I worship a God who is always moving. As I lose a friend here or there from circumstances uncontrolled, I know that God will never fail to fill in the empty spaces in my life, “For his grace is sufficient for me.” And as long as he is guiding me, “I shall not want.”

While God blesses me with friends for different reasons, there is one friend who fulfills a role that no one on earth can ever replace. That friend?

·      Jesus—role of ‘bought-your-salvation best friend’

·      Also, role of ‘here-any-time-you-need-me best friend’

·      Along with role of ‘I-want-you-to-realize-you-need-me best friend’

·      And role of ‘I-give-you-all-your-love-and-want-you-to-share-it-with-others best friend’

·      And ‘many-more-roles-that-would-take-me-a-lot-longer-to-write-about best friend’

I feel like I should have a better conclusion, but I think the ‘Jesus stumps all other answers’ answer applies here. (Plus, this blog is the size of a research paper, so I should probably go ahead and end it. Thanks for reading and congratulations if you read all the way to the end.)